rantin, ravin & carryin on with general nonsense

so my high school best friend is getting married tomorrow and i am feeling a little shitty since we haven’t spoken in years…we played cordial at the reunion 2 years ago but that was the last time that i saw her. i realize that people move on and change and nothing stays the same but i still feel a little shitty about the whole thing. i wanted nothing more than for her to be happy and if she is then that’s all that matters and clearly she is or she wouldn’t be getting married tomorrow. i guess i always saw myself being there and a part of and to be the further thing from it…well that leaves me slightly sad. 

tomorrow. we will have been together for 9 months. while it feels like forever, it also feels so short of a time. we have done so much together that i can’t even recall individual moments, well not really true, i can totally go back to big bear or sierra vista or palm springs or san francisco but i don’t often think about the individual trips until i start looking at the pictures. he blew me a kiss this morning because he jumped out of the car, we were running late, but he realized that he got out of the car & closed the door without kissing me. something small yet it made my drive happy. i often wonder if he’s happy with me but then i have to realize that he’s a pretty simple guy in that he’s primarily happy with things and that its me that is usually the one to make something an issue. ohhh. deep sigh. i can’t believe that we’re already at 9 months, too short, too long…somewhere in between. is this forever? it would wonderful if it is.

facing the last day of being 29 and going to my masters orientation tonight…kinda serendipitous…

i cried this morning. and i am on the verge again now. my feelings are bubbling over. i am questioning everything, down to the way that my clothes are organized. 

i have made it this far and yet i don’t even know where i have made it to.

boyfriend, puppy, car, duplex, job, school - but what do all those things really mean. what is the point to it all.

i slept. i think. we have 3 dogs in bed with us. 

he talks trash and i get affected by it. he grabbed my face and my jaw cracked and i turned away and started crying. he apologized again and again and kissed my face and my neck. i accepted his apology. yet he continues to not accept mine for saying that he was a bad teacher when we were in palm springs back in march. i have wondered what we are doing together since i question whether he really wants to be here with me or not…my own issue though…my own self worth negative talk.

today like any other is of reflection. of whats around me. of whats inside me. sometimes i can turn it off. sometimes i can’t.

its nice to see the world and not be in the world. there is great satisfaction in just watching.

i have plenty on my plate and yet i gaze out the window in search of an answer to a question that i do not know.

i have said before and I’m sure that i’ll say again even after this…sometimes i have so many words and sometimes there are none at all…i am SO in my head its ridiculous…not sure if i can even connect to processing them through…i’m just gonna go with it and see where it takes me…theres a photo that i have somewhere that talks about taking a chance and never knowing unless you do so whether its worth it or not…so here it goes.